Category: Lifestyle

Posted on

VALIDATION: THE LINE BETWEEN NEED AND ADDICTION

Subconsciously, we have become a people that crave validation, but do we need external validation? When do we move from need to addiction? Join me to see what validation is and what it does.

Let’s define what validation is.

DEFINITION OF VALIDATION

Validation is an endorsement of an action or a person. It is what usually makes a person seem trustworthy and credible, or even recognized as an authority. It could come in the form of praise, it could be mentioning your name and what you do to others, or mentioning what you’ve done for them that pleased them, made them grateful, it could also be hype. Oh, and did I mention that receiving monetary gifts can also be a form of validation for some? That payment we receive for what we did can make us feel validated.

More often than not, it’s this validation that gives us a sense of worth, a sense of satisfaction, of fulfillment.

In present times, external validation has begun to look like a need. Many things some of us do are centred around this validation. It’s the reason why we build visibility, why we go to certain places, why we do certain things, speak to certain people. Without knowing, we have become dependent on external validation. This… is a harmful dependence.

WHY WE SEEK VALIDATION

More like, why do we crave validation? Why do we seem to need external validation?

✴️ It makes us feel seen: when people validate us, it’s like we are in the spotlight. It’s like we’re announced, that others are seeing what we’ve done.

✴️ There’s a feeling of recognition: it makes us feel that what we’re doing or what we have done is worthwhile.

✴️ We are motivated to keep going: it’s usually a force that just pushes us forward, especially in moments of self doubt.

WHEN VALIDATION IS A NEED

At times we need validation to vet our work. For instance, if we’re starting something for the first time, and there’s someone experienced in the field, we would need to show them our work, and have them go through it, correct and guide us till we get it right. When the work is validated, it means that what we’ve done is okay.

In cases like this, there’s nothing wrong with validation. But if not properly checked, we can become addicted to validation. And that addiction is harmful. So when does validation become an addiction? Let’s find out.

VWHEN VALIDATION IS AN ADDICTION

Validation becomes an addiction when;

🛑 We can’t get a reason to do something, it’s always someone’s validation we seek.

🛑 If there’s nobody to be impressed we don’t have any motivation, we are not inspired.

🛑 Every thing we do has no reason connected to us, to what we desire, to what we’re truly interested in.

🛑 We don’t even think of impact or influence (positively of course), our reason is always tied to getting a pat on the back, getting a praise or a hype. Nothing concrete.

🛑 When we are not proud of an achievement until person(s) commends us

🛑 It becomes an addiction when we don’t feel okay, we don’t think we’re normal, because for a while nobody has “recognized” our deeds.

🛑 When we begin to think that we’re probably not enough, losing our sense of worth over not receiving any form of validation from the outside world.

At this point, we have a reduced personal sense of worth. It’s become hinged to people. We only feel worthy when people make us feel so, we think we are enough when people make it seem like it. So when there’s no one in the equation, we begin to doubt ourselves. We question our abilities, question who we are. It’s not the best place to be, trust me.

I’ll tell you a story. A friend prepared for a presentation, guess what? She discarded it at the last moment. Why? Nobody told her that her work was perfect. Her work was discarded because nobody praised it. Imagine the effort that she had put into it, all that thrown away without a second thought. Guess what? That presentation of hers was lovely, but she couldn’t see it because no one commended her work. That’s how bad it gets when we become addicted to external validation.

BECOMING FREE FROM VALIDATION ADDICTION

Let’s get back our sense of worth through words of affirmation repeated till they become our reality. Everyday, we tell ourselves;

✔️We are enough

✔️We are capable

✔️We don’t live for validation

✔️Our fulfillment doesn’t come from man

Our sense of worth comes from knowing who we are and what we stand for.

It sounds cliche but when you keep repeating affirmative words to yourself, your psyche changes, your mind welcomes it, and you begin to live it out. Our words are so powerful. People commit suicide because of a person’s words, so if words can kill a person, why can’t it give life?

Whatever you want to do, sit down and ask, why do I want to do this? If your answer still holds unto external validation, pause, put it on hold.

Because real fulfillment actually comes from within.

We have an even bigger advantage, the HOLY GHOST. When we know that we are GOD’S children, your identity is secured. The validation of men pale in comparison.

Share to someone else that needs to see this, let’s break free from the validation addiction chain.

Posted on

WHAT IS THE PLACE OF PARENTING IN EDUCATION?

Maybe we should redefine what we assume education is. It’s quite disheartening to see that people think going to school is education. It’s not merely that. People attend schools and still come out uneducated. Education is more than just going to school.

Google tells us that “the origin of the word ‘education’ is from the Latin root educare. ‘Educare’ means ‘to lead out or bring forth’. It implies that through organized questions knowledge, understanding and the potential of children have to be brought out.”

According to Jaypee digital.com, “Education is a systematic process through which a child or an adult acquires knowledge, experience, skill and sound attitude. From the origin of the word ‘education’, we can see that to educate is to guide an individual into becoming, realizing his/her full potentials. The definition following after, adds that knowledge , experience and skill have to be acquired before we can say a person is educated.

Education is the development of the mind of an individual, and the revelation of their innate capacities for solutions provision. These are things we should look out for before we can say education is or has taken place. Education goes beyond teaching, it is coaching, training, mentoring. We seem to be leaving our children in the hands of the teachers because we believe that education of children is for the teachers to do. We’ve never really thought about the meaning of education, so I get.

But, it’s high time we dealt with this because it’s a dangerous thing. It means that you are not part of the development of that child, and the results show in different ways. The fact that they spend more time in school than with you should give you a sense of urgency. It’s even more dangerous now that social media is also teaching them. Yes! Every time spent on social media, is education. Something is shifting in their minds, that’s why they pick up whatever they see.

Now, what should parents do? To start with, from conception, you should speak whatever you want to see in your child, that’s where they begin to be shaped, yes, your words are that powerful. What does this have to do with education, you ask? Education deals with systematic acquisition of knowledge, skills, experience, ultimately guiding him to becoming the best version of himself. The goal of education is to bring out what they have inside of them, to help nurture it.

When you are pregnant with your child, it is important to make positive affirmations on that child before they come, so the process of educating the child will be easier. You could call them solution providers, pacesetters etc. So from the womb, you’re already channeling them, they are feeling it, of course you have to continue after birth.When these children are born, you monitor closely for their traits. By the time they begin to make simple sentences, their behavior begins to show. This is the age of discovery. Parents should be very watchful from this point to pick up on the various characters that are shown. From their traits you have ideas of what they will become. This is also where you start educating them, they are not too young.

Let’s establish the fact that education of children starts in the home, not at school.

Based on their traits, you guide them properly. For instance, there are children that always want to flip through the pages of books even when they cannot read the words. Once you notice it, you begin to guide them in that direction; check what books particularly catch their interests, and make them available, take them to the library to see different genres of books, and be attentive to the books that draw their attention.

You can read the books aloud, using imagination to paint vivid pictures regardless of whether they are fiction or nonfiction. Whatever you notice in your child; always curious and never backing down, loves to try out things/experiment with things even when others seem convinced, etc, should all be nurtured. Make it grow, and grow and grow with proper guidance. Don’t quench it. A lot of parents make this mistake. When you do so, you’ve begun to tamper with their original selves, their identity, their core is reshaped. They begin to move from who they really are.

When you discover what exactly your children love, their interests, you’ll the able to place them on the right path. By the time they are going into the higher institutions, they are very clear on what they want.

What next? We help them gain the knowledge, by providing the right resources for them. We also enable them get the skills needed for the field they are venturing into. What skills are needed? Where do they need to go to acquire these skills? What resources do they need? These are questions that we will need to answer, to act accordingly.

We place them in challenging situations, situations that will take them out of their comfort zone, to help build their experience. Using the same instance on reading, when they have gotten comfortable with a particular text, give them a higher one(of course still within their interest), and make them review, explain, summarize and give their personal opinion, on the texts. Regardless of whatever category of books.

Children should be able to give their personal opinions on textbooks, not just literature, and it starts from the home. Empowered them from the home. The goal is to make them independent, critical, creative thinkers, armed to identify problems, and provide solutions. It’s only then that we can say that we have educated people.

This also brings me to something else that is crucial; forcing our children to live our dreams for us. The dreams we had but couldn’t attain at some point, is not a legacy for our children to carry on. Let’s not force them into something, just to boost our ego, or to give us a false sense of satisfaction. False because your dream is always your dream, and the satisfaction you get from achieving your dream yourself, is not comparable with your child getting it. Matter of fact, you’re never too old to go for your dreams. Your children are their own beings not an extension of you. Yes, they are your offspring, but still humans themselves. People with emotions like us, with thoughts like us, with aspirations, like us. We may not realize it, but we are ruining them by making them fulfil our dreams for us.

Sometimes, we think our children are not intelligent. No! They are not functioning where they are meant to function. We have probably pushed them into what we think is best for them. Additionally, let’s not damage our children by giving them phones. It’s almost a norm to see children with phones. Their lives have not started yet, and it’s being damaged. When a baby is crying, please the remedy should not be a phone. Having children use ipads at home is so not right. Children are developing dependency on phones, they are getting addicted to phones. It’s so alarming! Please keep them busy, but not with phones. Whether you censor what they do or not, it doesn’t matter, the damage is going on either ways. Prolonged exposure to phone reduce the attention span of the users as the days go back, how do we educate a generation with short attention span? Medically, there is something called nomophobia(no mobile phone phobia): This means that someone is afraid of being without a smartphone. Children are already going through nomophobia. What kind of children are we raising?

Parents please let’s turn this around. We can’t be the ones destroying our children.As parents, we should not enable examination malpractice of any kind: paying for special centers where exams would be written for them, bribing teachers to provide answers to questions, etc. Train your children to be confident, in addition to the aforementioned, and you’ll see them soar. The foundation we lay in the home is what they’ll build on throughout their lives. Let’s not do this.

This is where we fit into the equation. We have such a critical role, the education of our children cannot be left to schools, we mold these destinies, so we had better take on our role. We should know our children from cradle, and guide the steering appropriately.

Let’s not create a vacuum and expect the teachers to fill in, you’ll lose your children that way. Even if you have started on the wrong foot, you can re-right the wrongs. There’s still a chance to discover them, even if they’re in secondary school already.

Right now, we need a generation that can think independently, a generation that has strong confidence, a generation that cannot be silenced, a generation that is proactive, an enlightened generation, a generation of solution providers, a bold generation, and education is still the key. When we educate our children, we arm them with the above, and more. We have just been doing it wrongly. We cannot keep repeating the same mistakes, don’t you think?

Parents, let’s rise to the occasion. Let us redefine what education has been assumed to be, in our time. Let us right the wrongs. Let us begin to educate our children. Let’s work with a sense of urgency, there’s no time. The change will begin with us. Let’s help our children become.

Ultimately, the Holy spirit is available to guide us aright. Especially for those that are start “late”.

Posted on

GRATITUDE: A MEANS OF GETTING BLESSINGS FROM GOD?

We may not have realized it yet, but it’s seeping through to the surface. I have seen videos (skits), movies with the message of gratitude. The narrative being pushed? We all know it. ” When you come before GOD, instead of complaining and asking for things you’re still believing for, praise GOD, appreciate HIM and then HE will bless you”. It’s been sinking in, I myself too found myself caught up in it.

Let me tell you what this has done and is doing to us, it’s made us not truly worship. If we sincerely look deeper, we will realize that with each praise, each show of gratitude to our Maker, we are expecting something, double promotion, double miracle, name them, things probably more than what we even think. I mean, when you praise GOD HE stands up from HIS throne right? We force HIS hand to move, isn’t it? So when we try to praise, we hope to force HIM to do something for us.

Well, how about praising HIM and not getting anything? Have we thought of that? Maybe the thought has crept in, and we silenced it, binding and casting every “evil voice”

We really need to come to a place of genuine thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for life, for JESUS, for the blood that HE shed, for every good thing HE has given to you. The scripture tells us that every good and perfect thing is from the LORD, how about appreciating HIM for that? The Psalmist says, my soul forget not HIS benefits. When you begin to see just how good HE has been, you’ll find yourself bursting out I’m praise without thinking of your request.

Am I saying don’t make requests? No. 🙉 I’m saying we should not use our praise as a means of exchange, let our praise not be transactional. Yes, we may have been doing it subconsciously because of what our mind has been fed with (this is the power of media), but we’ve become conscious now, so let’s begin to refeed our minds. The scripture is the perfect tool to begin with.

Let’s praise with reckless abandon. Let’s praise not expecting anything in return. Let’s praise because HE is GOD and we reverence HIM. This is the true praise, one from the depths of our soul. Let’s make praise a lifestyle.

Posted on

IS MARRIAGE BEFORE SEX NO LONGER POSSIBLE?

Have we really gotten to the point where marriage without sex seems beyond reach? You can’t court without sex anymore?

They used to say, abi I’ve heard people say they were told that they must have sex before they get married, were shamed for keeping pure, read people’s experience or in books. I remember always thinking to myself that if they had godly, like-minded friends, they won’t hear such statements. Then I heard more, and I knew that sometimes these people are not really friends but they’re around you, like roommates, course mates, colleagues in the workplace.

Never in this life would I have thought that I’d hear something like that personally. It never occurred to me that I would hear this directly, that I would have a personal experience. No! But I realized something.

There are so many people who don’t believe that you can have a pure relationship before marriage.They don’t know or perhaps don’t want to agree that sex is not used to show love and commitment before marriage. Everything seems to revolve around sex in today’s world. Nobody is thinking about Christ, there are no christian values anymore. What is happening to us?

A premarital relationship built on sex is not a strong , healthy relationship. If there’s no money, and there’s no sex, the cracks begin to show, the relationship becomes rocky 🌊.

Relationships are built on values, principles, whether platonic or romantic. When everything is about sex, how do you plan for your home? How do you partner to bring great things to life? Isn’t it what marriage should be? Partnership, companionship, and companionship is not sex, no! Does sex take away loneliness? It can’t. Our minds have become twisted. Since we began to welcome sex before marriage, we’ve been having divorce cases that never seem to end, yet we’re not asking questions? Once something isn’t positively productive, shouldn’t we ask questions? Shouldn’t we shift? What’s going on?!

We think sex is what keeps a partner. When you eventually get married, you’ll find out that no matter how much sex you have with your spouse, it won’t stop them from cheating if they are already loose. When people get married and accuse their partners of cheating (which is one of the leading causes of divorce), check, they were probably having sex before tying the knot. This is just one issue, there are others. Issues like this can be spotted before marriage, but they’re having sex already, what’s the point?

Once sex comes into the equation, guess what happens, we lose our sense of reasoning. The important questions we should ask, we don’t ask. Red flags are ignored. Traits we should look out for, escape us. Then you enter the marriage, and you realize that you can’t deal, then you hop out to file for a divorce. And we keep going on like this. I’m not saying that people who kept themselves before marriage don’t divorce. Once you don’t choose right (through the help of the HOLY SPIRIT), one party or both parties don’t act right, divorce is usually looming over them.

However, we can’t deny the fact that is staring us in the eye. That welcoming sex before marriage has brought disasters to homes. What do we listen to? What do we watch? We don’t censor and we don’t filter anymore. Once we see it on our screens, it looks acceptable. Do we have to keep destroying ourselves?

Sex before marriage has never and can never be the right way. We can never have homes functioning optimally, born from sex before marriage. The word of GOD remains true. HEB 13:4

Posted on

LET THE LOVE OF GOD SHINE IN OUR HEARTS

Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life. This scripture tells us that everything that we see, everything we act out is a product of the state of the heart. As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is. This is another scripture buttressing the above statement.

So letting the love of GOD shine in our hearts means filling up our entire being with HIS love. When HIS love shines in our hearts, it shows in our day-to-day activities, in our daily interactions with others, HIS love shines through us to others.

How do we let HIS love shine through us? By spending time with HIM. How do we spend time with HIM? By daily reading the scriptures, meditating on them, praying to the FATHER in JESUS name. It sounds simple but we don’t do it. There’s so much hate in this present world, we can see 2 Timothy 3:1 manifesting and we can’t afford to be caught up with it even as christians. We need to show what true love is, not only in speech or words, but in deeds, in our actions. However, we can’t give what we don’t have. If we don’t have GOD’s love, we cannot give it, and that’s why we need to let HIS love be spread abroad in our hearts.

GOD is love, and to love we must know HIM, and knowing HIM is having intimate relationship with HIM. There’s no other way to build this relationship except through consistent study of the word (scriptures/bible) and prayer. You can never do too much of these. These times are wicked times, they are evil times. Times where christians need to be more visible than ever, and our visibility is shown through our love. We evangelize in love and with love(in love because that’s the sole reason for evangelism, we want to bring souls back to the FATHER, with love that when we are talking, they feel the love from our words, our hearts reach out to them in our speech). We see people in depression, in diverse states that is not normal, needing financial help, emotional support, help in whatever form, we give it to them in love. For GOD so loved the world that HE *gave* HIS only begotten son, that whosoever believes in HIM should not perish but have everlasting life. The message of CHRIST is summed up in love, right? It’s evident. CHRIST came because of the love of GOD. So we inevitably have to love, and we can’t love properly if it’s not the love of GOD shining in our hearts.

The love of GOD constrains us from saying certain things that can be hurtful, from doing things that are selfish, things that would not go well for the other person, from looking the other way at someone who needs help. It doesn’t matter what I say, if GOD’S love is not there, it won’t make meaning. HIS love in us makes it easy to love others. The commandments was summed up into two by our LORD JESUS CHRIST; Love the LORD your GOD with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. Love your neighbour as you love yourself. See? It starts with loving GOD. Of course as a child of GOD, you will love yourself and love your neighbour as much as you love yourself. Our love for HIM grows as we fellowship with HIM(GOD).

If you have not received CHRIST as your LORD, it’s not too late to do that now. Close your eyes, speak to HIM to come and take full charge of your life, to help you love as HE has loved you. Remember, if you have any questions, feel free to reach out. Let’s talk in the comment section. The LORD help us to love. Shalom.

Posted on

THE WORD IN OUR WORLD 🌎🌍 TODAY

Just a short one… The past days have really been something else. The hustle, the bustle here and there, reading the scriptures was almost a hassle (Thank GOD HE caught me). I’ve heard betimes, people saying that they’re too busy to read the bible. I kind of understand because I was almost there until I remembered that this cannot be traded for anything else. Yeah, we don’t have time to read the scriptures because there’s no space. This our world right now is really fast-paced. Likeeee

However, what we attach importance to, we create time for it. We honestly have no excuse for not reading the bible. When we recognize the significance of the word in our world today, we’ll not miss a day of reading the scriptures. The only reason why we don’t read the scriptures, claiming there’s no time is because it’s not important to us. I’m telling you. What you treasure, what you understand its value cannot be taken lightly and would have time mapped out for it, must. The word really needs to come alive in our hearts. Ahh!

BENEFITS OF THE WORD

The word illuminates our hearts and directs our paths. As a christian, when you read the scriptures first thing in the morning (this is me giving you a tip), you receive instructions for the day and strength for whatever it is you’d be doing that day.

You cannot pray amiss with the word. It’s a most effective way of praying. Praying with the word. Some of us struggle with our prayer life. What we don’t know is that you can be reading the scriptures and begin to pray from there. Prayer and bible study go together. We go about saying nobody can be perfect, all of us always sin. The word is what keeps us in check, as we read the word consistently it enters our soul and prevents us from sinning. That’s why we can call ourselves children of GOD. We have HIS word. If we do not, we aren’t christians honestly.

HE speaks to us through HIS word. It’s the primary way through which we connect with HIM.

P.S. We don’t read the bible as literature. Please always ask the HOLY SPIRIT for understanding before reading. It’s a game changer.

See you next time, byee.

Posted on

SOCIAL MEDIA: IS LIFE AWAY FROM THE SPACE POSSIBLE?

Someone once told me that I should have been born in the 1950s because, how can I not be on all social media spaces? It’s a choice ooh. We all have choices to make and Joshua in the Josh. 24 when he was telling the children of Israel his last words, asked them to choose whom they would serve. Whatever eats most of your time, whatever you feel you can’t do without, has become what you serve whether you admit it or not. Did I say that you shouldn’t be on social media? No, except if you’re true to yourself, you know that you can’t really control your usage of social media. There’s so much on that space and you seriously need a break from all those atimes. Regulate the time spent there. I’ve seen a lot of people begin to question their solid principles, question the existence of GOD because they keep feeding from social media. What you constantly consume has the ability to change your psyche, change your habits, change you entirely as a person. How about we go back to the bible? Yes I know, some of us genuinely believe that the bible is just another book, but it’s not. How about you go and read it? Why don’t you tell GOD to prove HIMSELF to you? Ask HIM to reveal HIMSELF. You open the bible and look up to the heavens and ask for an understanding of the scriptures, ask for understanding of what you’re reading. I can tell you for free that answers to your questions are in the bible, I love to call it the word. If you seek HIM with all your heart, you’ll find HIM. Honestly, you won’t find HIM by scrolling through social media for the most part of your day.

Social media is a powerful tool that can be used positively and negatively. I find that the negativity is more rampant , probably not but it’s definitely very loud and catches people’s attention easily. If you don’t take time to detoxify, you’ll be so eaten up that you’ll begin to lose yourself without knowing, trust me. We don’t even realize what’s going on. So yeah, you can deactivate your account sometimes, uninstall the app sometimes, whatever works for you. I mean it’s no news that people have become mentally unstable because of social media, people have even lost their lives! Is it the false narratives on the soace? The cyber bullying? This isn’t fictional right? We hear these kinds of stuff. So I’m really just stating facts. It’s not a space for you to put spirit, soul and body. Look for something fun to do away from the screen, there’s a whole lot; swimming, playing ball, working on new ideas or concepts, taking walks(you can get inspired in the process), really take time to admire nature(another activity that can inspire), and study the word, pray. Close your eyes, talk to GOD, ask HIM those burning questions I’m your heart. You’ll feel renewed and rejuvenated afterwards. Thank me later. The real life is outside social media. Look around you, not in your screens.

Posted on

THE LEAKED SEXTAPE: WHO TO BLAME

I came online this evening to the news of a leaked sextape of pastor’s daughter which apparently went viral about 3 days ago and I have seen all sorts of comments from different individuals. Many are throwing stones at the girl, well quite typical of humans. Some others have gone as far as trying to paint christianity in a bad light. I see all. I feel like addressing the second category of people first. You do not use one person’s mistake to draw conclusions on a particular group nor to make decisions. Imagine that someone in your family made a mistake and people call all of you bad, begin to peddle all sorts of rumours against your household, I’m sure you wouldn’t enjoy that. Even if it’s a group of people, you still cannot generalize based on their actions.

You know, I find it laughable that the same set of people who are always quick to tell people not to judge them when their errors are pointed out are usually the first to judge and make nasty comments on other persons’ errors. The fact that there are increasingly more and more people asking for the video shows exactly what kind of heart we have, and how polluted some of us that are condemning the girl are. No offence, but how do you explain the fact that you are condemning an act, condemning the girl involved and you are interested in the contents of the video, some persons are even sharing it, yet we’re all throwing stones. The fact that you can actually watch the contents of the video probably shows that we consume this kind of contents regularly, things like this pique your interest. Yeah, some of us feel offended but it’s the truth. We’re judging someone else, let’s judge ourselves now. Don’t you think we should? Should we just judge pastor’s children? Are they not as human as we are? Can we go scot-free, boldly throw stones even when we’re guilty because we’re not pastor’s children? Do you think that is fair? Can we all be sincere with each other? Let’s look within us.

Different suggestions and advice from all corners are across the internet so I won’t bother with those. I want to humbly talk to our pastors, our clergymen. Hmmmmm. Our families are just as important as the church. The reason we keep having a repeat of things like this is the seeming neglect of the families by a lot of pastors. I keep hearing that pastors’ children are the worst, na them do pass and stuff like that and it’s high time our pastors begin to really train their children, hace Rome for them. That fact that you are a pastor makes your children exposed to different sorts of people and things. Some men of GOD think it’s just to shield them – from school to church and back to the house, restrict their social life; don’t let them go out if it’s not school or church, maybe they are not allowed to watch films at home but all of these are not enough. When you take them to church, you’re not with them throughout, that time they have to wait for you to finish your numerous counselings is enough for the devil to strike, in school they meet people too and since you’re not available to truly guide them, give them the real truth and exposure they need, teach them, those children would teach them in your stead, and in the situation you’ve put them, they’re already vulnerable, and gullible. Some leave the children with the domestic staff at home, and you don’t know what they give them to feed on in your absence, the things they teach them. So, you’re delivering others, and your home is crumbling. The result? Well, these kinds of things. The pastors and their wives need to give full attention to their children. Some things in church can be delegated, there are elders, leaders, workers in the church. How about you build your home? Please, men of GOD, your home is the most important, it’s your first ministry. Charity begins at home as they say, when I see cases like this, I wonder if we still remember.

Posted on

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: QUESTIONS WE NEED TO ANSWER

Since the Osinachi saga of 2022, one would expect that women in abusive relationships, would have mustered the courage to escape the grip of their predators. We thought (at least I did) that previously blind people have received their sight: the ignorant, the afraid have become liberated. But what do we see? More and more deaths resulting from domestic violence keep making rounds on the internet. This brings to mind only one question, why? Why are deaths resulting from domestic violence on the rise? Why do these women stay in such abusive relationships at the expense of their lives? Why do we act like this is just part of the news, that it will pass? Why do we seem not to care? Why does it look like we’ve lost our humanity? Why? Why? Why? I’ve spent quite some time blaming the victims(I guess it’s the easiest thing to do), I mean who in their right senses, after seeing their fellow women die would still choose to become meat for sacrifice?

However, taking a step backwards, I decided to look at the victims and away from the victims to people who should be involved, us. Yes us, we, collectively as a people. These women didn’t fall from the sky, did they? They came from families – they have parents, siblings, cousins, name them. There’s even friends and colleagues. Are we trying to say that throughout the lifetime of these women in abusive relationships that the families, friends, colleagues were never aware? There was nothing amiss? We didn’t notice the changes in them? We had no idea at all? Completely clueless, oblivious? Did we decide to “mind our business” since it doesn’t affect us personally? Really? I hear phrases like, “what are friends for?” ” Be your sister’s keeper”, “that’s why we are family”. However, I can’t seem to see the truthfulness, I should say the usefulness of these statements in these cases of domestic violence.I find it disheartening when I hear relatives of the deceased women coming out to tell their side of the story. So we’re well aware of what’s been happening, and these women died like they weren’t human? Permit me to say that these women died under our glaring eyes. We watched it happen.Yeah, in our defence, we can say that we can only help a person that wants to be helped, we can carry the horse to the river but we can’t force it to drink water. Maybe, just maybe, that’s true. But, I dare say that in very extreme situations, we may need to force the horse to drink water. These women are not in their original state of mind, their minds have been numbed by the numerous abuses, their bodies have been numbed as well. For most, it has become a way of life, it doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t look normal to not been beaten at least once a day. It has become a way of life. Are these the people we are hoping to help themselves? Are we really expecting them to ask for help or to simply accept our hands of fellowship? Instead of just extending our hands, waiting for them to take it, how about grabbing their hands and never letting go? We could also say that it started one day, there were probably signs before the physical action, before it became so frequent, so bad, they could’ve called out, valid point. Of course, it started one day, but these women may not have known any better, we don’t even know the circumstances under which they got married or entangled in these relationships. Were they pressured externally or internally or even worse, both? Was it a case of pity? Were they blackmailed (emotionally and otherwise)? Who knows, they probably grew up in such environments as well.

Interestingly, the aforementioned, still points to families, friends, colleagues. Who are the people surrounding these women? Instead of counseling aright, guiding and shielding, we push them straight into the lion’s den? That a woman is not married at 30 is a reason to make her feel like an outcast? To make her feel unloved? Unwanted? Is it a time to threaten her? To pressure her? Is it a license to mock her? To push her to different men? Our mothers that are increasingly obsessed with having grandchildren, do these women not mean anything to you anymore because they’re not married? Did they stop being your daughters because of this singular reason? The fathers threatening to throw their daughters out of the house, what happened to being a safe space?The friends that taunt and wickedly tease these women, what happened to comfort? What happened to words of affirmation? What happened to unwavering support? What happened to being a backbone?The colleagues who suddenly keep their distance from these yet to be married women, is this the best you can do? Is this how shallow we’ve become?To all, what happened to unconditional love? Where did our humanity go? Have we really lost our empathy? No emotions anymore?

We can’t afford to completely kill our emotions, let’s revive it. It’s what makes us human.

Can we have more voices across the globe; from the urban to the most remote places, our women should be armed with the truth. We need our young girls to understand that our value, our worth, our fulfilment is not gotten from a man. We are not less of ourselves because we don’t have a husband. Our young women should be able to recognize the signs of an abusive man. We need to create safe spaces where our women can be vulnerable and not be led astray. We need shelters for them, that will also accommodate battered women, these battered women need to be restored, be made whole again, we need to hold them; please don’t let go!Their children need same so we don’t continue the cycle. These abusive men need serious rehabilitation as well. Our boys should be trained to love, we shouldn’t train them to kill their emotions, rather they should be trained to control their emotions. They need to be enlightened as well. They need to know that beating, degrading , oppressing a woman is not what asserts their masculinity. All of us have a collective responsibility regardless of our portfolio, race, whatever it is that brings bias. It’s on us. It’s our world. We need to tackle this.

Posted on

ENTERTAINMENT IN THE PAGES OF BOOKS: READING IS…..

Anyone here who thinks reading is not fun, or maybe you think you can’t read just for the fun of it? Well, that is subjective right? It depends on what you are reading.
The fact that you are reading for fun doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t learn from it. I strongly believe that whatever entertains you should still be enlightening, educative, informative.

Let’s digress a bit. Entertainment is actually one way of teaching others what they need to know in a not-too-serious tone. A creative attempt to bring issues to light, appealing to emotions and possibly bring up solutions without a fight (you kind of get away with everything because in entertainment, you really are not attacking persons except you make it so on purpose, unlike a real life situation where you can get into trouble if someone feels attacked even if that wasn’t your intention). I am saying that reading can be a form of entertainment. Who says that while having fun, we don’t learn? The fact that it’s ” reading” instead of “watching” or “listening” doesn’t make it boring at all. You can read for the fun of it and still learn. I can tell interesting stories, make you laugh, and you will become more knowledgeable than before.


There’s another set of people who think, “if it’s not romance, if it has no steamy scenes, there’s nothing interesting in the book.” That’s a lie right there. Take a break from that, it’s eating up your time. Think and try to remember what those sexually explicit novels has added to your life, and how much growth it has given to you, remember what I said about entertainment; there has to be a visible, positive impact in your life. Be honest with yourself. Entertainment shouldn’t destroy you, it shouldn’t just waste your time, there has to be information received, knowledge gained, value added. You can make your decision after your reflective thinking.

How about you find things that interest you, look for books written on those areas of interest and enjoy? You might just find out how much pleasure you’ve been missing out on. You will never know if you don’t try.