Category: Issues

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VALIDATION: THE LINE BETWEEN NEED AND ADDICTION

Subconsciously, we have become a people that crave validation, but do we need external validation? When do we move from need to addiction? Join me to see what validation is and what it does.

Let’s define what validation is.

DEFINITION OF VALIDATION

Validation is an endorsement of an action or a person. It is what usually makes a person seem trustworthy and credible, or even recognized as an authority. It could come in the form of praise, it could be mentioning your name and what you do to others, or mentioning what you’ve done for them that pleased them, made them grateful, it could also be hype. Oh, and did I mention that receiving monetary gifts can also be a form of validation for some? That payment we receive for what we did can make us feel validated.

More often than not, it’s this validation that gives us a sense of worth, a sense of satisfaction, of fulfillment.

In present times, external validation has begun to look like a need. Many things some of us do are centred around this validation. It’s the reason why we build visibility, why we go to certain places, why we do certain things, speak to certain people. Without knowing, we have become dependent on external validation. This… is a harmful dependence.

WHY WE SEEK VALIDATION

More like, why do we crave validation? Why do we seem to need external validation?

✴️ It makes us feel seen: when people validate us, it’s like we are in the spotlight. It’s like we’re announced, that others are seeing what we’ve done.

✴️ There’s a feeling of recognition: it makes us feel that what we’re doing or what we have done is worthwhile.

✴️ We are motivated to keep going: it’s usually a force that just pushes us forward, especially in moments of self doubt.

WHEN VALIDATION IS A NEED

At times we need validation to vet our work. For instance, if we’re starting something for the first time, and there’s someone experienced in the field, we would need to show them our work, and have them go through it, correct and guide us till we get it right. When the work is validated, it means that what we’ve done is okay.

In cases like this, there’s nothing wrong with validation. But if not properly checked, we can become addicted to validation. And that addiction is harmful. So when does validation become an addiction? Let’s find out.

VWHEN VALIDATION IS AN ADDICTION

Validation becomes an addiction when;

🛑 We can’t get a reason to do something, it’s always someone’s validation we seek.

🛑 If there’s nobody to be impressed we don’t have any motivation, we are not inspired.

🛑 Every thing we do has no reason connected to us, to what we desire, to what we’re truly interested in.

🛑 We don’t even think of impact or influence (positively of course), our reason is always tied to getting a pat on the back, getting a praise or a hype. Nothing concrete.

🛑 When we are not proud of an achievement until person(s) commends us

🛑 It becomes an addiction when we don’t feel okay, we don’t think we’re normal, because for a while nobody has “recognized” our deeds.

🛑 When we begin to think that we’re probably not enough, losing our sense of worth over not receiving any form of validation from the outside world.

At this point, we have a reduced personal sense of worth. It’s become hinged to people. We only feel worthy when people make us feel so, we think we are enough when people make it seem like it. So when there’s no one in the equation, we begin to doubt ourselves. We question our abilities, question who we are. It’s not the best place to be, trust me.

I’ll tell you a story. A friend prepared for a presentation, guess what? She discarded it at the last moment. Why? Nobody told her that her work was perfect. Her work was discarded because nobody praised it. Imagine the effort that she had put into it, all that thrown away without a second thought. Guess what? That presentation of hers was lovely, but she couldn’t see it because no one commended her work. That’s how bad it gets when we become addicted to external validation.

BECOMING FREE FROM VALIDATION ADDICTION

Let’s get back our sense of worth through words of affirmation repeated till they become our reality. Everyday, we tell ourselves;

✔️We are enough

✔️We are capable

✔️We don’t live for validation

✔️Our fulfillment doesn’t come from man

Our sense of worth comes from knowing who we are and what we stand for.

It sounds cliche but when you keep repeating affirmative words to yourself, your psyche changes, your mind welcomes it, and you begin to live it out. Our words are so powerful. People commit suicide because of a person’s words, so if words can kill a person, why can’t it give life?

Whatever you want to do, sit down and ask, why do I want to do this? If your answer still holds unto external validation, pause, put it on hold.

Because real fulfillment actually comes from within.

We have an even bigger advantage, the HOLY GHOST. When we know that we are GOD’S children, your identity is secured. The validation of men pale in comparison.

Share to someone else that needs to see this, let’s break free from the validation addiction chain.

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WHAT IS THE PLACE OF PARENTING IN EDUCATION?

Maybe we should redefine what we assume education is. It’s quite disheartening to see that people think going to school is education. It’s not merely that. People attend schools and still come out uneducated. Education is more than just going to school.

Google tells us that “the origin of the word ‘education’ is from the Latin root educare. ‘Educare’ means ‘to lead out or bring forth’. It implies that through organized questions knowledge, understanding and the potential of children have to be brought out.”

According to Jaypee digital.com, “Education is a systematic process through which a child or an adult acquires knowledge, experience, skill and sound attitude. From the origin of the word ‘education’, we can see that to educate is to guide an individual into becoming, realizing his/her full potentials. The definition following after, adds that knowledge , experience and skill have to be acquired before we can say a person is educated.

Education is the development of the mind of an individual, and the revelation of their innate capacities for solutions provision. These are things we should look out for before we can say education is or has taken place. Education goes beyond teaching, it is coaching, training, mentoring. We seem to be leaving our children in the hands of the teachers because we believe that education of children is for the teachers to do. We’ve never really thought about the meaning of education, so I get.

But, it’s high time we dealt with this because it’s a dangerous thing. It means that you are not part of the development of that child, and the results show in different ways. The fact that they spend more time in school than with you should give you a sense of urgency. It’s even more dangerous now that social media is also teaching them. Yes! Every time spent on social media, is education. Something is shifting in their minds, that’s why they pick up whatever they see.

Now, what should parents do? To start with, from conception, you should speak whatever you want to see in your child, that’s where they begin to be shaped, yes, your words are that powerful. What does this have to do with education, you ask? Education deals with systematic acquisition of knowledge, skills, experience, ultimately guiding him to becoming the best version of himself. The goal of education is to bring out what they have inside of them, to help nurture it.

When you are pregnant with your child, it is important to make positive affirmations on that child before they come, so the process of educating the child will be easier. You could call them solution providers, pacesetters etc. So from the womb, you’re already channeling them, they are feeling it, of course you have to continue after birth.When these children are born, you monitor closely for their traits. By the time they begin to make simple sentences, their behavior begins to show. This is the age of discovery. Parents should be very watchful from this point to pick up on the various characters that are shown. From their traits you have ideas of what they will become. This is also where you start educating them, they are not too young.

Let’s establish the fact that education of children starts in the home, not at school.

Based on their traits, you guide them properly. For instance, there are children that always want to flip through the pages of books even when they cannot read the words. Once you notice it, you begin to guide them in that direction; check what books particularly catch their interests, and make them available, take them to the library to see different genres of books, and be attentive to the books that draw their attention.

You can read the books aloud, using imagination to paint vivid pictures regardless of whether they are fiction or nonfiction. Whatever you notice in your child; always curious and never backing down, loves to try out things/experiment with things even when others seem convinced, etc, should all be nurtured. Make it grow, and grow and grow with proper guidance. Don’t quench it. A lot of parents make this mistake. When you do so, you’ve begun to tamper with their original selves, their identity, their core is reshaped. They begin to move from who they really are.

When you discover what exactly your children love, their interests, you’ll the able to place them on the right path. By the time they are going into the higher institutions, they are very clear on what they want.

What next? We help them gain the knowledge, by providing the right resources for them. We also enable them get the skills needed for the field they are venturing into. What skills are needed? Where do they need to go to acquire these skills? What resources do they need? These are questions that we will need to answer, to act accordingly.

We place them in challenging situations, situations that will take them out of their comfort zone, to help build their experience. Using the same instance on reading, when they have gotten comfortable with a particular text, give them a higher one(of course still within their interest), and make them review, explain, summarize and give their personal opinion, on the texts. Regardless of whatever category of books.

Children should be able to give their personal opinions on textbooks, not just literature, and it starts from the home. Empowered them from the home. The goal is to make them independent, critical, creative thinkers, armed to identify problems, and provide solutions. It’s only then that we can say that we have educated people.

This also brings me to something else that is crucial; forcing our children to live our dreams for us. The dreams we had but couldn’t attain at some point, is not a legacy for our children to carry on. Let’s not force them into something, just to boost our ego, or to give us a false sense of satisfaction. False because your dream is always your dream, and the satisfaction you get from achieving your dream yourself, is not comparable with your child getting it. Matter of fact, you’re never too old to go for your dreams. Your children are their own beings not an extension of you. Yes, they are your offspring, but still humans themselves. People with emotions like us, with thoughts like us, with aspirations, like us. We may not realize it, but we are ruining them by making them fulfil our dreams for us.

Sometimes, we think our children are not intelligent. No! They are not functioning where they are meant to function. We have probably pushed them into what we think is best for them. Additionally, let’s not damage our children by giving them phones. It’s almost a norm to see children with phones. Their lives have not started yet, and it’s being damaged. When a baby is crying, please the remedy should not be a phone. Having children use ipads at home is so not right. Children are developing dependency on phones, they are getting addicted to phones. It’s so alarming! Please keep them busy, but not with phones. Whether you censor what they do or not, it doesn’t matter, the damage is going on either ways. Prolonged exposure to phone reduce the attention span of the users as the days go back, how do we educate a generation with short attention span? Medically, there is something called nomophobia(no mobile phone phobia): This means that someone is afraid of being without a smartphone. Children are already going through nomophobia. What kind of children are we raising?

Parents please let’s turn this around. We can’t be the ones destroying our children.As parents, we should not enable examination malpractice of any kind: paying for special centers where exams would be written for them, bribing teachers to provide answers to questions, etc. Train your children to be confident, in addition to the aforementioned, and you’ll see them soar. The foundation we lay in the home is what they’ll build on throughout their lives. Let’s not do this.

This is where we fit into the equation. We have such a critical role, the education of our children cannot be left to schools, we mold these destinies, so we had better take on our role. We should know our children from cradle, and guide the steering appropriately.

Let’s not create a vacuum and expect the teachers to fill in, you’ll lose your children that way. Even if you have started on the wrong foot, you can re-right the wrongs. There’s still a chance to discover them, even if they’re in secondary school already.

Right now, we need a generation that can think independently, a generation that has strong confidence, a generation that cannot be silenced, a generation that is proactive, an enlightened generation, a generation of solution providers, a bold generation, and education is still the key. When we educate our children, we arm them with the above, and more. We have just been doing it wrongly. We cannot keep repeating the same mistakes, don’t you think?

Parents, let’s rise to the occasion. Let us redefine what education has been assumed to be, in our time. Let us right the wrongs. Let us begin to educate our children. Let’s work with a sense of urgency, there’s no time. The change will begin with us. Let’s help our children become.

Ultimately, the Holy spirit is available to guide us aright. Especially for those that are start “late”.

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: QUESTIONS WE NEED TO ANSWER

Since the Osinachi saga of 2022, one would expect that women in abusive relationships, would have mustered the courage to escape the grip of their predators. We thought (at least I did) that previously blind people have received their sight: the ignorant, the afraid have become liberated. But what do we see? More and more deaths resulting from domestic violence keep making rounds on the internet. This brings to mind only one question, why? Why are deaths resulting from domestic violence on the rise? Why do these women stay in such abusive relationships at the expense of their lives? Why do we act like this is just part of the news, that it will pass? Why do we seem not to care? Why does it look like we’ve lost our humanity? Why? Why? Why? I’ve spent quite some time blaming the victims(I guess it’s the easiest thing to do), I mean who in their right senses, after seeing their fellow women die would still choose to become meat for sacrifice?

However, taking a step backwards, I decided to look at the victims and away from the victims to people who should be involved, us. Yes us, we, collectively as a people. These women didn’t fall from the sky, did they? They came from families – they have parents, siblings, cousins, name them. There’s even friends and colleagues. Are we trying to say that throughout the lifetime of these women in abusive relationships that the families, friends, colleagues were never aware? There was nothing amiss? We didn’t notice the changes in them? We had no idea at all? Completely clueless, oblivious? Did we decide to “mind our business” since it doesn’t affect us personally? Really? I hear phrases like, “what are friends for?” ” Be your sister’s keeper”, “that’s why we are family”. However, I can’t seem to see the truthfulness, I should say the usefulness of these statements in these cases of domestic violence.I find it disheartening when I hear relatives of the deceased women coming out to tell their side of the story. So we’re well aware of what’s been happening, and these women died like they weren’t human? Permit me to say that these women died under our glaring eyes. We watched it happen.Yeah, in our defence, we can say that we can only help a person that wants to be helped, we can carry the horse to the river but we can’t force it to drink water. Maybe, just maybe, that’s true. But, I dare say that in very extreme situations, we may need to force the horse to drink water. These women are not in their original state of mind, their minds have been numbed by the numerous abuses, their bodies have been numbed as well. For most, it has become a way of life, it doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t look normal to not been beaten at least once a day. It has become a way of life. Are these the people we are hoping to help themselves? Are we really expecting them to ask for help or to simply accept our hands of fellowship? Instead of just extending our hands, waiting for them to take it, how about grabbing their hands and never letting go? We could also say that it started one day, there were probably signs before the physical action, before it became so frequent, so bad, they could’ve called out, valid point. Of course, it started one day, but these women may not have known any better, we don’t even know the circumstances under which they got married or entangled in these relationships. Were they pressured externally or internally or even worse, both? Was it a case of pity? Were they blackmailed (emotionally and otherwise)? Who knows, they probably grew up in such environments as well.

Interestingly, the aforementioned, still points to families, friends, colleagues. Who are the people surrounding these women? Instead of counseling aright, guiding and shielding, we push them straight into the lion’s den? That a woman is not married at 30 is a reason to make her feel like an outcast? To make her feel unloved? Unwanted? Is it a time to threaten her? To pressure her? Is it a license to mock her? To push her to different men? Our mothers that are increasingly obsessed with having grandchildren, do these women not mean anything to you anymore because they’re not married? Did they stop being your daughters because of this singular reason? The fathers threatening to throw their daughters out of the house, what happened to being a safe space?The friends that taunt and wickedly tease these women, what happened to comfort? What happened to words of affirmation? What happened to unwavering support? What happened to being a backbone?The colleagues who suddenly keep their distance from these yet to be married women, is this the best you can do? Is this how shallow we’ve become?To all, what happened to unconditional love? Where did our humanity go? Have we really lost our empathy? No emotions anymore?

We can’t afford to completely kill our emotions, let’s revive it. It’s what makes us human.

Can we have more voices across the globe; from the urban to the most remote places, our women should be armed with the truth. We need our young girls to understand that our value, our worth, our fulfilment is not gotten from a man. We are not less of ourselves because we don’t have a husband. Our young women should be able to recognize the signs of an abusive man. We need to create safe spaces where our women can be vulnerable and not be led astray. We need shelters for them, that will also accommodate battered women, these battered women need to be restored, be made whole again, we need to hold them; please don’t let go!Their children need same so we don’t continue the cycle. These abusive men need serious rehabilitation as well. Our boys should be trained to love, we shouldn’t train them to kill their emotions, rather they should be trained to control their emotions. They need to be enlightened as well. They need to know that beating, degrading , oppressing a woman is not what asserts their masculinity. All of us have a collective responsibility regardless of our portfolio, race, whatever it is that brings bias. It’s on us. It’s our world. We need to tackle this.